SOUL MATE:
Love and Prayer, Mitzvot and Pain

Introduction

"Bashert": Bashert simply means 'fated' or 'divinely Willed and therefore necessarily ocurring'. It is used most often by non-Yiddish speakers in the context of finding a mate, and means 'the one I am meant to marry', with people using this term usually conflating this with 'soul-mate'. Somehow people assume that since there is someone they are meant to marry, and they want to marry someone who is their best friend and soul-mate and perfect companion etc, that thereofre Judaism teaches that one will indeed eventually find such a person to marry. This concept of “bashert” implies that we get what we want specifically in matters related to finding a mate, falling in love, maintaining a happy marriage etc. [ie somehow there is some special divine guidance or guarantee that one will find the person one feels is one’s soul-mate, and have a mutually-loving “in love” relationship with them.] I don't believe that Judaism teaches this at all.
Like everything in this world, life is not about happiness and fun, but rather one is expected to develop oneself, and to be prepared to assume burdens and challenges and to grow, and then there is satisfaction, fulfilment, accomplishment, and a feeling of meaning.

Creating Love
Many Rabbis teach that one can develop love in a marriage, for example through giving, and the promise of eventual love with their spouse can be the motivation for modern couples to marry even without being in love.
Question: Is it guaranteed that a couple who are not in love and do not love each other can build a loving relationship if they sincerely try to? If yes, what is the proof? Are there statistics to bear this out?
Ie is it true that one can develop “love” where it did not exist, eg via giving, or is it necessary (albeit not sufficient) that there be the chemistry called ‘love’ in order for love to develop?
If it is possible to develop love even without being in love first, have there been studies with statistics to prove this contention?
If it is true that love can be created via giving, what is the level of self-development necessary for sustaining this kind of giving? Is it so high a level that effectively only highly righteous individuals will succeed in this? So that effectively only tzadikim can give sufficiently to develop love with their initially-non-loved spouse?

If a couple is not in love, but love is cultivated via giving etc, will the chemistry associated with “being in love” develop as a result ? (i.e. is it guaranteed that if a couple sincerely tries to develop a loving erotic relationship that they will not only love each other, they will also be “in love”?) If yes, what is the proof? Are there statistics to bear this out?

Love and marriage in the real world
Can every sincere couple build a loving relationship if they work on it? Can any couple develop this love into romantic “being in love”? And if it is possible, is it so difficult that very few people can be realistically expected to do so?
Couples fall in love and then out, some marry without being in love but then develop a love for each other. Some couples are friends and then marry and it is wonderful, for others the erotic side of the relationship which did not exist when they were friends never develops. Some couples stay together because they are fulfilled by having children, or by having the love of their spouse even if they do not love their spouse in return, or are not in love with them. Or they stay together because they would be lonely otherwise, or because the relationship they have is nice even if it does not include erotic love, or any love. So love is not a necessary component in order for a marriage to form or to remain. However for modern singles the magic of falling in love and then developing a relationship based on this love is the goal they seek during dating. Often modern couples will stay in a relationship even where this love does not develop, since the relationship is an antidote to loneliness, but usually this will not suffice to get them to marry.  

Being in love, and loving
The chemistry called ‘being in love’ is not by itself sufficient for loving to develop. However, it is certainly a good platform upon which to build a loving relationship, and in aware couples it certainly can provide a motivation to create such a love. Some couples fall in love, and build a loving relationship. Most do not – they either never fall in love, or they fall in love but do not successfully use this as a platform to develop loving, and eventually the “in love” fades, and they may even split up, or they try to develop love but it doesn’t work.

Even if Love Cannot be Guaranteed, Can A Good Marriage be Guaranteed?
If it is not possible to develop love without reaching a high level, what ought a non-highly-developed person do if they do not meet appropriate partners with whom one is in love? Should one disabuse oneself of the notion of love as promulgated in the West and concentrate on marrying to build a family etc, and learn to be satisfied with that type of relationship which can be guaranteed even if it is not love/in love? Is any type of relationship guaranteed to ordinary people who are willing to work on themselves?
For example: Are the following guaranteed by Torah, or by nature (and therefore known to sociologists or psychologists or marriage councellors etc, with statistics etc to prove it) to couples who sincerely try for it:
etc (!)
 Should one simply define a relationship which contains the above as ”being in love” or as a “loving” relationship? Should one simply jettison the desire and search for “love” and ”being in love” and “settle” for “just” [!]  the above?

Or are even these not guaranteed – could it be that a man and a woman who are not in love but have some chemistry, mutual respect, and shared goals can strive sincerely to create the above but will simply eventually tire of each other and want out of the relationship? Should one abandon search for guaranteed relationships, and just jump in and try? And what should the couple jumping in in this way agree on? With whom should one just jump in: ie which characteristics should one look for in a partner and which are not important? Are there statistics to back up this approach?
Are there enough people with these characteristics so that if everyone does this everyone will get married? What of the people who do not possess these characteristics? What if I am one of them? Or are all these characteristics subjective?  
Do prayer and the fulfillment of mitzvoth have any effect on all this?

Ego
A couple who are focused on their children etc rather than on themselves would stay together, either because they would sacrifice their happiness for their childrens’ benefit, or because they are not even seeking love with their spouse but are marrying for other reasons (as in the Hasidic world), or because the fact that their spouse is a good parent is sufficient to make them like their spouse enough to be able to stay together etc. When we are focused on ourselves we want gratification, and we want to be in love, but nothing is guaranteed and as in everything in life there are people who are ‘lucky’ and people who are not, and for anyone who is not lucky a little work - or a lot – can help the situation.   
The less we are focused on ourselves the easier it will be to have good relationships, but defocusing from oneself is not a simple task for many people.

Soul Mate
Responding to words spoken in Pain: When someone is in pain, and asks a question from their pain, don’t answer with philosophy, but with soothing words.
What is the appropriate response from a frum person/Rabbi to single people who want to be married? Compassion, practical help. Not blame.

It is not guaranteed to anyone that they will be healthy, or whole, or happy etc, neither is it guaranteed that their shidduch will be easy or that it will be successful, or that the marriage will be happy or will last. It may even be that their soul mate is someone who will cause them to suffer so that they will grow. So if you think someone is not your soul mate because they cause you pain….. or because they are not what you expected, well …..and maybe you ARE guaranteed success, but only if you do what is most incredibly-difficult, chane yourself.

Good things happen to bad people (or at least people whose actions seem evil). Viz, real life.

Maybe being incredibly rich, receiving a perfect spouse and being in love all one’s life is a punishment because it prevents growth or etc – or they are so wicked that they are getting all their rewards in this life and nothing in the world-to-come.
It does not say anywhere that one is guaranteed to find a soul mate in the sense of someone who is exactly what one is looking for, and with whom one will live a happy life.
Of course it can be claimed that if one develops oneself properly and finds someone else who does so as well, and the focus of the marriage is working on oneself and helping nurture the other and catalyze their growth, then eventually both may say that they are in a perfect relationship. But that is a very difficult goal to achieve. The fact that in theory it may be that anyone can achieve it is not the same as it being promised to everyone. It may be that this type of harmony is promised to everyone who develops themselves sufficiently. But that is almost empty; of course those few who will develop themselves to the point where they love everyone as themselves will love their spouse and be very giving and therefore have a happy marriage. And of course someone who can be happy in both good and terrible situations will be guaranteed happiness.

Falling in love: Halacha says that if there is negative chemistry, then in order not to violate ‘ve’ahavta lereacha kamocha’ they should not marry. So it would seem that for most people the expectation is that this cannot be overcome; the love will not develop no matter what one does.
And if there is positive chemistry, ‘falling in love’ can develop, even without self-work. (However self-work is needed in order to make it grow, and last, and become ‘loving’.)

The fact is that some people will fall in love young, marry and stay in love all their lives, have happy lives, and others will die unloving/unloved, in short miserable lives, and everything in between, and all this without any relation to whether they seemed to be good people on the outside or were in deed good or were evil to those outside their circle.
And maybe the highly developed people will have the pain sent to them and the lesser-developed people, or the more evil ones, will be denied the growth experiences and so have easy happy lives. It is therefore misleading to hold out the promise of a better life, greater success, a happier love-life etc as a result of wish-fulfilment by God to those who pray or do mitzvoth. Of course a better life, greater success, a happier love-life may result from some self-development which leads to acceptance of whatever happens, whatever God send our way, and prayer and doing mitzvoth may help us reach the high level required for this perspective and acceptance.
Just as we are not guaranteed health or happiness in general we are not guaranteed that we will fall in love, or that it will last, or that we will be able to develop love or that we will have a good life etc. We are guaranteed only that there is a plan, and that whatever happens to us, including the terrible marriage we may endure with our soul mate, is part of the plan, and that there was a reason that our soul mate was designed to cause us so much suffering, we are meant to use that to grow, and this is why they are our soul mate.

The torah way to a good relationship
A lot of what people sell as “the torah way to a good relationship” is actually modern (pop) psychological insights that are read by Rabbis who then ‘discover’ them in the torah, and then these torah insights are claimed to have preceded the psychological field, and in fact to have stimulated its development. Of course some of it was indeed discovered by Jewish sages of time past, and some of modern psychology was pioneered by people influenced by Kabbalistic and Torah ideas. But in any case it was generally the secular psychologists who first systematized the knowledge.
But the Torah provides a good framework for a married couple: the discipline of niddah; stressing the importance of having children; Shabbat together with family; creating community, communal support; rabbis and others to consult; many opportunities for prayer, and in general helping develop people into ego-lowered individuals who can better make place for the other.